Thursday, December 22, 2005

Dear Martha:

You really got the fuzzy end of the lollypop on this whole Apprentice thing didn't you dear. They come to you and ask you to do it and then things just sort of fell apart. First they give you a crappy time slot on Wednesday night and then when you don't perform immediately they move your show to an even suckier time slot so that Jerry Bruckheimer doesn't get irritated. (I was going to say pissed, but you are Martha Stewart - even when you were in prison people didn't use words like that around you.) I mean people actually watch Lost - his silly E-Ring wasn't going to beat that.

Oh but that was all was it Martha. There were the candidates. Trump got people like Randal, Rebecca, Felisha and Alla - okay Alla's a bad example; she would use words like pissed around you - and you got Dawna, Bethanny, Howie and nutso Jim. I mean darling I know you're Martha Stewart but even you can't make silk purses out of those sow's ears, anymore than you could make Charles and Alexa into George and Caroline. (Oh by the way Martha, I hate to tell you this - I've had more erotic dreams about Caroline than I've had about you, and I'm even counting the one with you and Alexa together, which I know is something you don't like to talk about). I mean sure Donald got saddled with Markus and the virgin Adam but you had Jeff, Jennifer and Chuck. Too much dear.

But of course it didn't stop there did it. There were other indignities. First Donald Trump shows up on your show, all sweetness and light, talking about how he's your friend and all that. Then when his ratings started to tank he doesn't blame NBC for their deteriorating Thursday night lineup or Jerry Bruckheimer for CSI being good this year, or the other networks for being like the crocodiles on Survivor: Guatemala in search of a vulnerable target. No Martha, he blamed you. Said you diluted the brand or some such bullsh....sorry Martha.... Bovine Scatology. So I suppose it's no wonder that the network weasels over at NBC - the guys who had been so welcoming to you when you got out of the Big House (no not your place in Maine; I'm talking about prison dear) - turned around and cancelled your show. Where is the love there?

Ah but the finale, the finale was where the final digs came in. Trump got a battle for the ages between Randal and Rebecca, and you got, well you got Dawna and Bethanny. I mean talk about white bread; and factory made white bread at that, not the stuff you (or rather your assistants) hand make yourself. They give Trump two hours to wrap things up while you get an hour between a game show for people too dumb to play Scrabble - oh sorry I forgot, wasn't it Dawna who had no idea how to play Scrabble - and a repeat of Law & Order four days before Christmas when no one is watching TV. I mean set aside the fact that it takes you an hour to wrap one Christmas present (what with making the wrapping paper, the ribbons, and those perfect name tags), just giving you an hour is a bit of an insult. And Trump gets Lincoln Center and a crowd of thousands while you get your daily show studio and a crowd of hundreds, well dozens anyway. So sad.

Now I have to confess I didn't watch all of the last episode. There was a particularly gripping episode of Call For Help on at the same time and I kept switching back and forth, so I missed the defense each of the candidates gave for their events, which as far as I could tell went off like clockwork. That may have been a problem. I mean remember all of the "sturm und drang" that Trump's show got out of things falling apart for Randal and Rebecca. Things falling to pieces and being "rescued" - or not - at the last moment is the stuff of drama. The best your ladies could come up was all the corrections that had to be made to the Liz Claiborne program, and that was well-defended. So no, Martha you weren't exactly up there on the drama part.

And then of course there was the live conference room. Let's just say that you made the safe choice, and of course the obviously correct choice. You need a team player and the very fact that Bethanny had to pick someone who hated her like Carrie or whoever it was did spoke volumes about her as a team player throughout the process. Even nutso Jim commented on that one and let's admit that he's pretty observant when it comes to gaps in other people's armour - ones he can use at least. (By the way Martha, if you and Donald Trump are still on speaking terms you might want to recommend nutso Jim to him, either as a candidate for Apprentice or for Court Jester. The guy is a funny Macchiavellian although he'd probably be insulted by the funny part of the description. Anyway, someone far more suited to working fro Trump than you.) You were left with the nice safe choice of Dawna, someone who doesn't make waves and can be left to submerge herself in whatever project you assigned her. Which turned out to be a position as Director of Development in one of your magazines based out of Boston. Is it really called Body & Soul? Apparently you are far less imaginative than I give you credit for in my erotic dreams. No matter, it's a good fit for her, and you even gave her a Buick Lucerne to escape from New York during the transit strike. Best of all you didn't put her on the hot seat by asking her if you should hire Bethenny too - that's not your style. Unfortunately the whole thing seemed anticlimactic (and no that's not a reference to erotic dreams) which made it seem, well... boring.

So dear Martha, this phase in your life has ended. I wish you good luck in your future endeavours but sadly in this circumstance you simply didn't fit in.

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