Sunday, December 31, 2006

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas...

My true love (TV) gave to me - Six resolutions

I've been thinking this one over and I have decided to come up with six New Year's Resolutions that every network president and programming chief should make.

1. If I am going to steal an idea from anyone else I resolve to make it as original as possible. I will not, just as an example, take a British show like Coupling and remake it word for word. Rather I shall take the basic idea and turn it into How I Met Your Mother. This goes for British, Canadian, Australian, French, Japanese, and especially American shows that I steal.

2. I resolve that I will not commission a pilot for a new serial unless I am 100% absolutely dead sure that it will work. But if I do I promise on my sainted network owners that I will keep the God forsaken thing on the air until the earliest convenient moment for the writers and producers to wrap the story line up. Particularly if the only other thing I've got to put on instead is a rerun of a procedural.

3. I resolve to put more comedies on my network but first I will make sure that the situation comedies I do program are, you know, actually funny. I admit that a series with Jeffrey Tambor and John Lithgow together sounds like it should be funny but in practice not so much.

4. I resolve not to impose a moratorium on procedurals on my network unless the idea is really innovative and something that hasn't been done before (hmm, how about a show about Arson Investigators?). In fact I will just try to avoid shows that involve cops, lawyers and doctors all together and remember that there are other exciting professions out there. I mean if the British (Capital City) and the Canadians (Traders) can make shows about investment bankers that are exciting and sexy, why can't Americans.

5. I resolve that I if the Parents Television Council or the American Family Association tells me that one of my shows is lewd or obscene I will wear that as a badge of honour, particularly if they threaten to boycott my advertisers. If they get really obnoxious about it I will turn around drop my trousers and show them my fat furry ass. And if I'm taken before the FCC I will fight any decision against me all the way to the Supreme Court.

6. I resolve that if and when my schedule tanks thoroughly I will take the blame myself, and if necessary resign rather than force some other poor schlub to take the blame and be fired - probably by me.

Oh and as for me, well I don't do the whole resolutions thing. I do resolve to get a new computer - probably at the end of February, but that's because I've spent several months on an emergency substitute computer using Windows 98 and the only reason I'm waiting for February is to get a machine with Windows Vista rather than going through the process of buying a new machine and then getting the deal where I have to take it in and get the upgrade installed. I also resolve to get around to updating my Blogroll. Finally as God is my witness I'll never go hungry again - oh wait, that was Gone With The Wind. As God is my witness I will upgrade to the new version of Blogger by December 31st next year!!!!

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