Saturday, January 06, 2007

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas...

My true love (TV) gave to me - Twelve Fearless Predictions.

I'm not Carnac the Magnificent, the all-seeing all-knowing seer, sage, and soothsayer, but I have been known to make a few predictions in my day. On rare occasions they've even been right. The trick, I have found is to be as vague as possible so that when something happens it can be made to fit the predictions. Hey, it's been working for Nostradamus for over 500 years, and if it was good enough for him it's good enough for me. So now I will gaze into the crystal and get on with the predictions.
  1. I predict that in February the Academy Awards will fit comfortably into the timeslot that ABC has allocated for the show. Despite this people will complain that the show ran too long and wonder out loud why the awards are being broadcast at all.
  2. Also in February I predict that the Super Bowl will run far outside of the time slot that CBS will allocate for it, to the point where most of the episode of Criminal Minds that the network is planning to run following the game will run outside of prime time in most of the United States. Despite this only half the people in the United States will complain about the game being too long and they weren't watching it anyway. No one will wonder out loud why the game is being broadcast at all.
  3. I predict that virtually every TV show that debuts between the beginning of January and the beginning of May will be canceled or put on indefinite hiatus by the networks, although none will be canceled after one episode like The Rich List. After two episodes I won't guarantee.
  4. I predict that The O.C. will be canceled. Oh wait, that's already happened. Okay, I predict that it won’t be the only old favourite that will be gone be the end of this season. Besides King Of Queens Seventh Heaven, and Gilmore Girls.
  5. I predict that Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich will continue to live their lives on reality TV. Besides being all but confirmed as being part of the cast of The Amazing Race: All Stars - and let’s face it, love’em or hate’em they deserve it – they already have a show about Rob wanting to be a professional poker player ready to debut on Fox Reality. I expect them to document a pregnancy and/or a divorce proceeding in the future. Don’t be surprised if they win The Amazing Race: All Stars either.
  6. Donald Trump will continue feuding with Rosie O’Donnell long after Rosie loses interest in him. Meanwhile, despite the change of day to Sunday, The Apprentice will continue to decline in the ratings. If anything the move to Los Angeles will hurt the show. Admit it, when you think Donald Trump you think overdone, kitschy opulence, but you think overdone ktschy opulence in New York City.
  7. I predict that the biggest housecleaning at the Upfronts in May will occur at The CW, with new series being created to try to create an identity of its own for the network rather than that of the two parent webs as well as build ratings. It will succeed in the first, not so much in the second.
  8. I predict that the Emmy nominations in June will, quite predictably please no one and lead to yet more calls for reform of the nomination procedure even though no one can agree on what form a revised nomination procedure will take. Expect the greatest hue and cry from the fans of Battlestar Galactica (and science fiction in general), Heroes, viewers of Showtime and FX and anyone who likes any show on The CW. HBO executives on the other hand will be impossible to live with.
  9. I predict that the summer reality shows will continue apace, with Ramsay yelling, Big Brother contestants “showmancing”, Piers Morgan grumbling about contestants on America’s Got Talent, Dave Navarro lording it over the people on whatever band they’re creating for Rock Star. There will be a number of new concepts which will in fact be knock-offs of previous concepts. No one will pay any attention to any of it unless it rains for days on end, which given the weather we’ve been having in the past couple of years is not out of the question. As usual there will be one bona fide new hit among the summer drek.
  10. I predict that The Amazing Race will win Outstanding Reality-Competition series at the Emmy’s because it always does. The Emmy voters can separate the wheat from the chaff and they like the set. Either that or they just can’t bear to watch any reality show except The Amazing Race.. In other Emmy news, fans of Deadwood will be disappointed when no one from their show gets an Emmy including Ian McShane and Gerald McRainey. There will be more than one winner that will have viewers screaming “what the hell were they thinking!”. And of course, even though the show finishes well within the time allocated for it by whichever network is broadcasting it this year, people will complain that the show ran too long and wonder out loud why the awards are being broadcast at all.
  11. I predict that the PTC will continue to rail against just about everything on TV, and will continue to bombard the FCC with their pre-packaged complaints about obscenity and violence and anti-family programming and the devious ways of the evil (liberal) networks. FCC Chairman Kevin Martin will make sympathetic noises but won’t actually do anything because he knows that the possibility exists that he’ll be out on his ass if a Democrat wins the election in 2008.
  12. I predict that the first series cancelled by one of the five major networks during the 2007-08 season will be a drama cancelled after three episodes. Life on earth continues despite this.
Bonus prediction: Against any sense of realistic business thinking, MyNetwork TV will still be in existence at the end of 2008.

The crystal is getting cloudy. Please wash it and refill it with better quality scotch this time.

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